Baby Cheat In Nursery School
How did the baby cheat in nursery school?
Crib notes.
Baby Computer Say
What did the baby computer say when it got hurt?
I want my data!
Baby Cow
No. 1: What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
No. 2: It's pasture bedtime.
Baby light bulb to Mommy light bulb
What did the baby light bulb say to the mommy light bulb?
"I wuv you watts and watts!"
Baby-Sitter put the baby on the Multi Disc CD-player
Why did the baby-sitter put the baby on the multi-disc CD player?
Because it had automatic change.
Back From Vacation
No. 1: It's great to back from vacation. It rained the whole time.
No. 2: It couldn't have been that bad. You got a great tan.
No. 1: This isn't a tan ? it's rust.
Back Of Your Sleeve
Why are you rubbing your food on the back of your sleeve?
They said it was elbow macaroni!
Backstroke
No. 1: Why do you keep doing the backstroke?
No. 2: I just had lunch and I don't want to swim on a full stomach.
Backyard Robbery
No. 1: There's been a robbery in my backyard!
No. 2: What happened?
No. 1: Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.
Bad Golfer Like A Motor Boat
Why is a bad golfer like a motor boat?
They both go putt-putt putt-putt.
Bad Luck To Be Followed By A Black Cat
When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When you're a mouse!
Bad Movies On Airplanes
Why do they show bad movies on airplanes?
Because the audience can't walk out in the middle.
Bake A Video Game Pie
No. 1: Hey Steve, do you know how to bake a video game pie?
No. 2: How?
No. 1: Use Nintendough!
Ballplayer Do When His Eyesight Starts Going Bad
Cub: What does a ballplayer do when his eyesight starts going bad?
Dad: He gets a job as an umpire!
Banana Didn't Snore
No. 1: Why didn't the banana snore?
No. 2: He didn't want to wake up the whole bunch.
Banana Peel on the Sidewalk
Q. Why is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music?
A. Because if you don't C sharp you'll B flat.
Band doesn't make music
Q. What kind of band doesn't make music?
A. A rubber band.
Band plays music in a thunderstorm
Q: If a band plays music in a thunderstorm, who is most likely to get hit by lightening?
A: The conductor.
Bandanna Say To The Cowboy Hat
No. 1: What did the bandanna say to the cowboy hat?
No. 2: You go on ahead, I'll just hang around.
Bandstand
No. 1: How do you make a bandstand?
No. 2: Play the National Anthem.
Bankrupt Cowboy
1st Scout: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
2nd Scout: He has got no beef.
Barrel Of Crude Oil
No. 1: What is the first thing you should do with a barrel of crude oil?
No. 2: Teach it some manners!
Baseball Coach Put An Electric Mixer In His Lineup?
Why did the baseball coach put an electric mixer in his lineup?
He thought it would make a good batter.
Baseball Player Like A Spider
Q: When is a baseball player like a spider?
A: When he catches a fly.
Baseball Players Eat
No. 1: What do baseball players eat on?
No. 2: Home plates!
Baseball Players Stay Cool
Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to their fans!
Basketball Player Go To Jail
Q: Why did the basketball player go to jail?
A: Because he shot the ball!
Basketball Players And Babies
Q: What do basketball players and babies have in common?
A: They both dribble!
Batman And Robin
Why didn't Batman go fishing?
Robin ate all the worms!
Batman's Mother Call Him In For Tea
How does Batman's mother call him in for tea?
To the Batman theme tune:
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner,
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman!
Bats Fly At Night
Q: Why do bats fly at night?
A: Because they are afraid to drive.
Battle
As Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker cross lightsabers in yet another battle,
Darth Vader says, "I know what you're getting for your birthday."
"No!" Luke says. "That's impossible! How could you know that?"
"I felt your presents."
Beam Me Aboard
Scout: Walks on stage, looks around slowly and says, "Scotty! The aliens are very unfriendly!! Quick!! Beam me aboard!!"
Another scout in the audience: THUNK (the sound of a 2x4 landing on stage)
Bear Walks
A bear walks two miles west, two miles south, two miles east and ends up in the exact spot he began. what color is the bear? (The bear is white! He must be at the North Pole if he ends up in the same spot at which he began, and bears at the North Pole are white)
Bears And Wolves
Q. What do bears and wolves get when they walk along the beach?
A. Sandy claws.
Bears climb trees
Why do bears climb up trees?
Because they can't fly
Beaver Say To The Tree
No. 1: What did the beaver say to the tree?
No. 2: I'm sure I don't know.
No. 1: It's been nice gnawing you.
Bee Can You Throw
What bee can you throw?
What?
A Frisbee!
Bee can't make up it's mind
What do you call a bee that can't make up it's mind?
A May bee.
Bee Say To The Flower
No. 1: What did the bee say to the flower?
No. 2: "Hello, honey!"
Bee Sting
1st Scout: "OOOOOOUCH, OOOOOH, OOOOOUCH"
2nd Scout: "What's the matter with you?
1st Scout : "A Bee's Stung my thumb!"
2nd Scout: "Try putting some cream on it then."
1st Scout: "But the bee will be miles away by this time!"
Bee Telephoned His Friend
No. 1: What happened when the bee telephoned his friend?
No. 2: I have no idea, what?
No. 1: He got a buzzy signal.
Bee That Can Be Thrown
No. 1: What bee can you throw?
No. 2: A Frisbee!
Bee That Can't Make Up Its Mind
What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
A May bee.
Bee to the Flower
What did the bee say to the flower ?
Hello honey !
Bee You Can Throw
No. 1: What bee can you throw?
No. 2: What?
No. 1: A Frisbee.
Bee's Favorite Dance
What is a bee's favorite dance?
The bee-bop.
Beehive Like A Rotten Potato
How is the beehive like a rotten potato?
How?
A beehive is a bee holder, a beholder is a spectator, and a specked tator is a rotten potato.
Bees Dispose Of Their Honey
No. 1: How do bees dispose of their honey?
No. 2: They cell-it.
Behive Like A Rotten Potato
How is the beehive like a rotten potato?
A beehive is a bee holder, a beholder is a spectator, and a specked tator is a rotten potato.
Belongs To You
What belongs to you, but is used more by others?
Your name.
Ben Franklin's Mom
Q: What did Ben Franklin's mom tell him to do when he was a little boy?
A. Go fly a kite!
Ben Franklin's Mom Told Him.
Q: What did Ben Franklin's mom tell him to do when he was a little boy?
A. Go fly a kite!
Benjamin Franklin Say
A) What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity?
B) Nothing. He was too shocked.
Benjamin Franklin's Candles Burn
How long did Benjamin Franklin's candles burn?
About a wick.
Benjamin Franklin's Kite
What was Benjamin Franklin's kite made up?
Fly-paper.
Best Kangaroo Year
Cub Scout 1: What?s the best year for a kangaroo?
Cub Scout 2: Leap year.
Best Kind Of Car To Drive
What's the best kind of car to drive in the fall?
An Autumn-mobile.
Best Kind Of Paper To Make A Kite From
No. 1: What is the best kind of paper to make a kite from?
No. 2: Flypaper.
Best Place For A Haunted House
What is the best place for a haunted house?
On a dead-end street!
Best Selling Author
Who wrote the best seller, "Keeping Fit"?
Lean Body.
Best Value Of Money
Q: How can you best learn the value of money?
A: By trying to borrow some.
Best Way To Avoid Infection
"What's the best way to avoid infection from biting insects?"
"Stop biting insects!"
Best Way To Catch A Fish
Q: What's the best way to catch a fish?
A: Have someone throw it to you.
Best Way To Find A Tiger
What is the best way to find a tiger?
Asleep.
Best Way To Keep A Dog From Smelling
No. 1: What's the best way to keep a dog from smelling?
No. 2: Hold it's nose.
Best Way To Lose Weight
What is the best way to lose weight?
Learn to play the piano, and you can pound away all you want.
Best way to make fire?
What is the best way to make fire with two sticks?
Make sure one of the sticks is a match.
Best Way To Paint The Ocean
What s the best way to paint the ocean?
In watercolors.
Best Way To Raise Strawberries
What's the best way to raise strawberries?
With a spoon.
Best Way To Start A Fire With Two Sticks
What is the best way to start a fire with two sticks?
Make sure one of them is a match.
Best Way To Talk To A Hot Dog
What is the best way to talk to a hot dog?
Be Frank!
Best Year For A Kangaroo
Cub Scout 1: What's the best year for a kangaroo?
Cub Scout 2: Leap year.
Between The Hooves Of Buffaloes
Cub 5: What do you find between the hooves of buffaloes?
Cub 6: Slow buffalo hunters.
Between The Toes Of Elephants
No. 1: What do you find between the toes of elephants?
No. 2: Slow elephant hunters!
Bicycle Accident
1st boy: "I heard you had an accident on your hike today."
2nd boy: "No but I did get bitten by a rattlesnake."
1st boy: "You don't call that an accident."
2nd boy: "Heck no, he did that on purpose."
Big And Gray
What s big, gray, floppy and goes Hoppity, BOOM, hoppity, BOOM?
The Easter Elephant.
Big Brave
Big Chief: Bring in 10 scalps, kill 5 buffalo bare handed, go into desert without water for 30 days, wrestle and skin an alligator, make me boots from alligator skin, steal Akela's soft toilet paper. Then I will pronounce you Big Brave. You understand?
ndian Brave (in a girly voice): Yes. But what do I do to get pronounced Little Brave?
Big Bump On Your Head
1st: How did you get that big bump?
2nd: Some beans fell on my head.
1st: How could a few little beans give you a bump like that?
2nd: They were in that big can.
Big Chief
Bring in 10 scalps, kill 5 buffalo bare handed and go into desert without water for a moon. Then I will pronounce you Big Brave. You understand?
Indian Brave: Yes. What do I do to get pronounced Little Brave.
Big Chimney To The Little Chimney
No. 1: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
No. 2: I don't know.
No. 1: You're too young to smoke!
Big Dipper
No. 1: (Someone runs on stage with a large ladle in their hand.)
No. 2: What do you have there?
No. 1: The Big Dipper.
No. 1: (A little later, runs on stage with a spoon.)
No. 2: Now what do you have there?
No. 1: The Little Dipper!
Big Men Been Born In This Town
1st: Hi, I'm new in town. Have any big men been born in this town?
2nd: No, just little babies.
Big, Cracked And Wiggles
Q: What's big, cracked and wiggles?
A: The Liberty Jell.
Big, Gray And Floppity
What s big, gray, floppy and goes Hoppity, BOOM, hoppity, BOOM?
The Easter Elephant.
Big, Gray and Floppity
What s big, gray, floppy and goes Hoppity, BOOM, hoppity, BOOM?
The Easter Elephant
Bird Always Sad
Q: What bird is always sad?
A: A blue jay!
Bird At Every Meal
What bird is at every meal?
A swallow.
Bird Can Carry The Most Weight
Q: What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
A: A crane!
Bird Can't Fly As High
What bird can't fly as high as you can jump?
A bird in a cage.
Bird Eat Fruit
No. 1: How does a bird eat fruit?
No. 2: By the peck!
Bird Imitations
Cub 1: My mother does bird imitations.
Cub 2: Really? How does she do that?
Cub 1: She watches me like a hawk.
Bird Is Always Sad
Q: What bird is always sad?
A: A blue jay!
Bird is with you at Every Meal
Q: What bird is with you at every meal?
A: A swallow!
Bird Like A Car
What kind of bird is like a car?
A goose, they both honk.
Bird make all his money
How did the bird make all his money?
He invested in the stork market.
Bird Present At Every Meal
Q: What kind of bird is present at every meal?
A: A swallow.
Birds Can Carry A Big Basket
Cub No. 1 : How many birds can carry a big basket?
Cub No. 2 : I don't know. How many.
Cub No. 3 : Toucan!
Birds Fly South
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Why?
Because it's a lot faster than taking a bus.
Birds Fly South In The Winter
No. 1: Why do the birds fly south in the winter?
No. 2: It's too far to walk.
Birds Play Professional Baseball
Moe: Where do birds play professional baseball?
Joe: I don't know. Where?
Moe: In the "Mynah" leagues.
Birds Say On Halloween
No. 1: What do birds say on Halloween?
No. 2: "Twick or tweet!"
Birdseed
Cub: Do you have bird seed?
Clerk: what kind of birds do you have?
Cub: I don't have any, I just want to grow some.
Birthday Candle That Was Upset
Did you hear about the birthday candle that was upset?
Those birthday parties really burn him up!
Birthday Candles And Buffalo Bill
Q: What do birthday candles and Buffalo Bill have in common?
A: They get blown out on the same day every year.
Bites But Never Swallows
No. 1: What bites but never swallows?
No. 2: Frost.
Bitten by a Rattlesnake
1st boy: "I heard you had an accident on your hike today."
2nd boy: "No but I did get bitten by a rattlesnake."
1st boy: "You don't call that an accident?"
2nd boy: "Heck no, he did that on purpose."
Black And Boring
No. 1: What is black and boring?
No. 2: A TV that doesn't work.
Black And Dangerous And Lives In A Tree
No. 1: What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree.
No. 2: I don't know. What is black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
Cub No. 1: A crow with a machine gun!
Black And White
What's black and white, and black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Black And White And Red All Over
What is black and white and red all over?
A sunburned zebra.
A skunk with diaper rash
A blushing penguin.
Black and White and Red all over
Cub Scout 1: What is black and white and red all over?
Cub Scout 2: A sun-burned penguin!
Black and White and red all over
Cub Scout 1: What is black and white and red all over?
Cub Scout 2: A sun-burned penguin!
Black, White And Read All Over
Q: What's black, white, and read all over?
A: Newspaper.
Blank Tape at full blast
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Blanket on the Ground
Boy:
(Comes on stage with a folded towel or blanket. He puts the blanket down on the ground, picks it up and puts it down again in another place, picks it up, puts it down somewhere else, etc.)
Cubmaster: What are you doing?
Boy: I'm just covering ground.
Blanket Tell Jesse James?
Q: What did the blanket tell Jesse James?
A: Don't move. I've got you covered.
Blind Chicken Cross The Road
Q: Why did the blind chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the bird's eye shop!
Blind Dinosaur
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
"Do-you-think-he-saur-us"
Blind Horse
What has four legs, eats oats, has a tail, and sees equally well from both ends
A Blind Horse.
Blue Monster
No. 1: What do you do with a blue monster?
No. 2: Cheer him up.
Blue, Yellow And Hairy
What is blue, yellow, and hairy?
A Cub Scout.
Boat Cheapest Form Of Transportation
No. 1: Why is a boat the cheapest form of transportation?
No. 2: Because it runs on water!!!
Boat Like A Store
When is a boat like a store?
When it has sails!! (sales)
Boat like a store
When is a boat like a store?
When it has sails
Boats Loving
Q: When are boats loving?
A: When they hug the shore.
Bob Marley Like His Doughnuts
How does Bob Marley like his Doughnuts?
To Jammin:
Wi' jam in, jam in, and I hope you like jam in too.
Boiling Kettle's Favorite Song
Q: What is a boiling kettle's favorite song?
A: Home on the Range.
Books The Owl Liked
Q: What books did the owl like?
A: Hoot-dunits!
Bookworm Couldn't Eat Any More
Scout : Why couldn't the bookworm eat any more?
Scout : He was out of words.
Boomerang Didn't Come Back
No. 1: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
No. 2: A stick.
Boss Of A Dairy
First person: "What do you call the boss of a dairy?"
Second person: "I don't know."
First person: "The big cheese."
Boston Tea Party
Cub 1: What did they do at the Boston Tea Party ?
Cub 2: I don't know, I wasn't invited !
Botanist Crossed Poison Ivy With A Four-leaf Clover
What did the botanist get when he crossed poison Ivy with a four-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.
Bottletop
Cut the top from a half-gallon bleach bottle or similar bottle.
Spray paint. Decorate as desired.
Bottom At The Top
What has a bottom at the top?
Your legs.
Bought A Camouflage Sleeping Bag
JANE: "What's wrong, John?"
JOHN: "I bought a camouflage sleeping bag."
JANE: "What's wrong with that?"
JOHN: "I can't find it."
Bought By The Yard And Worn By The Foot
What is bought by the yard and worn by the foot?
Carpeting.
Bow Can't Be Tied
No. 1: What kind of bow can't be tied?
No. 2: A rainbow.
Bowlegged Cowboy Get Fired
1st Scout: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
2nd Scout: Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
Boy Accordion Say to the Girl Accordion
Q. What did the boy accordion say to the girl accordion?
A. Every time I squeeze you I hear music.
Boy And A Stick
(A boy comes on stage with stick in his hand. He puts the point of the stick down on the floor, picks it up, puts it down in another place.)
Leader: What are you doing?
Boy: Oh, I'm just sticking around.
Boy Bury His Flashlight
Scout 1: Why did the little boy bury his flashlight?
Scout : Because the batteries were dead.
Boy Call His Dog Computer
Why did the boy call his dog Computer?
Because it came with lots of bytes.
Boy Carries A Wooden Case
BOY: (Comes on stage carrying a wooden case)
CUBMASTER: What are you doing now?
BOY: I'm taking my case to court.
SAME BOY: (Returns on stage later in the program. This time he's carrying the case on top of his head.)
CUBMASTER: What are you doing now?
BOY: I'm taking my case to a higher court.
Boy Flea To The Girl Flea
What did the flea say to the girl when they walked out of the theater?
Should we walk or take the dog?
Boy Go To Bed With A Hammer
Why did the boy go to bed with a hammer?
He wanted to hit the sack.
Boy Say To The Girl Flea
No. 1: What did the boy flea say to the girl flea when they walked out of the theater?
No. 2: Should we walk or take the dog?
Boy Throw Water Out The Window
Why did the boy throw water out of the window?
He wanted to see a waterfall.
Boy With A Folded Blanket
Boy: (Comes on stage with a folded towel or blanket. He puts the blanket down on the ground, picks it up and puts it down again in another place, picks it up, puts it down somewhere else, etc.)
Cubmaster: What are you doing?
Boy: I'm just covering ground.
Boy With A Large Leaf
Boy: (Comes on stage and has a large leaf. He puts the leaf down on the floor, turns it over, picks it up and puts it down in another place, turning it over, etc.)
Cubmaster: What in the world are you doing?
Boy: Oh, I'm turning over a new leaf.
Boy With A Wooden Case
Boy: (Comes on stage carrying a wooden case)
Cubmaster: What are you doing now?
Boy: I'm taking my case to a higher court.
Branching Out
1st: (Scout enters with a branch in each hand, holds them out away from his body like he's a tree.
2nd: Now what are you doing?
1st: Oh, I'm just branching out!
Break His Leg Raking Leaves
First person -"How did the man break his leg raking leaves?"
Second Person "I don' t know. How?"
First Person "He fell out of the tree".
Brightest Fish In The Universe
Cub Scout 1: What is the brightest fish in the universe?
Cub Scout 2: A starfish.
Brings Dogs Presents At Christmas
Who brings dogs their presents at Christmas?
Santa Paws.
Broken Phonograph Record
What do you call a broken phonograph record?
A smash hit.
Brother Has Been Playing The Guitar For Ten Years
No. 1: My brother has been playing the guitar for ten years now.
No. 2: He must be pretty good.
No. 1: Not really. It took him nine years to find out he wasn't supposed to blow through it.
Brother On A Football Team
No. 1: I hear your brother is on the football team. What position does he play?
Cub No. 2: I think he's one of the drawbacks.
Bubblegum Contest
Cub 1; What is the best place for a bubblegum contest?
No. 2: On a chew-chew train.
Buffalo And A Flea
What is the difference between a buffalo and a flea?
A buffalo can have fleas but a flea can't have buffaloes.
Buffalo Been In The Refrigerator
Q: How can you tell a buffalo has been in the refrigerator?
A: His hoofprints are in the Jell-O.
Buffalo From A Field Mouse
Cub 9: How can you tell a buffalo from a field mouse?
Cub 10: Try to pick it up. If you can't, it's either a buffalo or a very overweight mouse.
Buffalo In The Refrigerator
No. 1: How can you tell a buffalo has been in the refrigerator?
No. 2: His hoofprints are in the jello.
Buffalo Is Under Your Bedroll
No. 1: How can you tell if a buffalo is under your bedroll?
No. 2: The ceiling of your tent is very close.
Buffalo Roam
1st Scout: In what kind of home do the buffalo roam?
2nd Scout: A very dirty one.
Buffalo Say To His Son When He Went On Vacation
No. 1: What did the buffalo say to his son when he went on vacation?
No. 2: So long?
No. 1: No. Bison!
Buffalo Under Your Bedroll
No. 1: How can you tell if a buffalo is under your bedroll?
No. 2: The ceiling of your tent is very close.
Buffaloes Originally From Italy
Cub 3: Did you know buffaloes are originally from Italy?
Cub 4: You mean like in the song " Oh where is the home for the buffaloes --Rome!
Bug Does The Best In School
No. 1: What bug does the best in school?
No. 2: A spelling bee.
Bug Gobbles Up Trash
Which bug gobbles up trash?
The litterbug.
Bug Lives On The Moon
Q: What bug lives on the moon?
A: A lunar tick.
Bug Say When It Hit The Windshield
What did the bug say when it hit the windshield?
I sure don't have the guts to do that again.
Bug You Should Throw
What kind of bug should you throw?
A Fris-bee.
Building Has The Most Stories
What building has the most stories?
The Library.
Buildings
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
Bump On Your Nose
Say how did you get that awful bump on your nose?
I bent over to smell a brose.
There's no "B" in rose.
There sure was a bee in this one.
Bunch Of Dogs Talk Together
What do you call it when a bunch of dogs talk together?
A bow wow pow wow.
Buoy Scouts Do
No. 1: What do buoy scouts do?
No. 2: Make sure the coast is clear.
No. 1: Do they have Scouts too?
No. 2: Sure Buoy Scouts and Gull Scouts.
Burro Cross The Road
Why did the burro cross the road?
Because the chicken needed a day off.
Burro in your bed
Cub 1: What is the best thing to do is you find a burro in your bed?
Cub 2: Take a siesta somewhere else.
Bury his Flashlight
Scout 1: Why did the little boy bury his flashlight?
Scout : Because the batteries were dead.
Bus That Crossed The Ocean
Name a bus that crossed the ocean.
Columbus.
Buy a dog
L: Mr. Pet Store owner, I want to buy a dog. How much are these puppies?
M: They are $5.00 a piece.
L: Ok, but I wanted a whole one.
Buy Some Bird Seed
Customer: I'd like to buy some bird seed.
Clerk: How many birds do you have?
Customer: None! I want to grow some!
Buy Some Of Those Nails
1st: I'd like to buy some of those nails.
2nd: That will be $5.15 plus tax.
1st: I don't want any tacks - just nails.
Bwanta
"Hello, operator. I'd like to speak to the King of the jungle."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but the lion is busy.
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